With a blank page i start. With a blank canvas i begin. With a cleansed heart and mind i return. The past couple of months have been about slowing down and reconnecting with myself. I wasn't going to stop living in this “survival mode” unless i forced myself to stop. Walking slowing every path, every trail literally and lightly in order to get to this very moment. I had to shift, i had to bend, i had to root down into the ever so uncomfortable emotion that came through the cracks. As I learned that pushing, perfectionism and working so hard that you lose connections, love, and especially yourself isn’t worth it. Time moves too fast and memories can’t be remembered. Your animals miss you. Your humans miss You. And well quite frankly, you miss you. The recipe is different for everyone but mine looked like more hours sitting in a tree stand then worried about what was happening In the world. Spending more time watching my dogs work as they pointed a pheasant in an open field. Sitting around kitchen tables, just talking. i stopped running physically and all of the shit i was emotionally running from came up and ate me alive. Sitting in a bathtub ugly crying became a common thing. But as the water went down the drain, so did the negative emotions. And at that very moment i could breathe again, inhale, exhale and inhale again. As my dad always says, “You’ll figure it out, Ame.“ and that's what I am doing, figuring it out day in to day out. Fortunately/unfortunately we must keep figuring it out as our journey will keep unfolding if and when we do.
I have spent more time writing, just writing. Reading, just reading. Sitting, just sitting. Loving and being loved in return. We all have silent seasons and thats you preparing, getting ready and sitting with the uncomfortable and unknown in order to have the season of light and new beginnings to rise up again. I believe in silence seasons, I believe in times of grinding for what you believe in. It takes the belief in yourself, and the faith in God, the universe, the ones that have passed that they too have your back always, never letting us stray too far from our actual truth. Our soul purpose. So for the days in-between, I have heard bad news, I have laughed until i have cried. And i just have cried. You read about people hiking the Appalachian trail, buying hippie vans and spending time in the desert alone, just them and their dogs. Yes those are the books that I went towards. And since living out of a tent (again) or travel wasn't feasible at this time. I choose the best thing for me, 23 goats, 3 dogs and 2 cats, the woods, open fields and my close humans. It has been inside of my heart, waiting for me. I've had it there all along. To get me to this space, this feeling and with what i have gained but especially let go of during this time period, I will continue, off the beaten path..where the unknown is uncomfortable, where sometimes my fears will get in the way and other times I will lean into them knowing that the result will be worth it in the end. Right now, it could be the path that you might not be able to see due to the season, but having faith, so strong that when the season passes it will be there, waiting for you. Your path might seem dark, but a simple light from a friend and a headlamp will show you the way. Your path could be bright right now, so use that extra energy for helping someone or something be better. #LoveIsSimple.
So as i use this passage as the first post of many I would like to happily introduce you all to my blog, “off the beaten path”. A trail of messages, stories and archives with some sticks and stones along the way.